Louisa (candyflossb) wrote,
Louisa
candyflossb

Her name was Eva

My stress came back with a vengence today. Everything tightened up and I got a stress induced headache at work. My inhaler did not leave my sight even though I know it's just a placebo.

Works been on overload since one of my team went on holiday and the other pulled a sickie. She has been apparently "puking and shitting" for the last 5 days. If she doesnt come back 2 dress sizes smaller I will actually kill her. Ive been covering 3 workloads. Bam, bitch goes down, BAM sydney SUPERBITCH (teen horror, gotta love it)

In other news well I may not be entirely mentally healthy. I keep thinking about my dad alot and it kinda comes on me at the most random times. But its happening more and more.

I have also begun to indulge in other not healthy behaviour such as reminscing over things I never even had, dreams are dangerous things. Theyre grinding me down and I spend most of my awake time wishing I was asleep. I have bought a memorial of sorts for my other loss of the year, I've decided to bury it at my dads grave side so I can remember them both. If I was the sort to indulge in that kinda thought I could imagine they were both together in the great beyond but Im not really that sort.

People are royally pissing me off as well. I feel somewhat emotionally shut off but that is of my own making. But it also gives me a bizarre clarity on drama filled events. That are so fucking pointless and driven by people's need to meddle in stuff that doesnt concern them. Everyone should just live their lives, be happy and get the fuck over stuff. For some it's harder than it is for others I grant that. But this is not life and death. This is trivial at this point. Go people, flourish and be happy. I honestly wish everyone the best and happiest lives. But they seem unable to let themselves have this. INstead I will think of the physicist speech which I will post at the end of this, I cant remember how to do a cut and this shit is getting looooong. Ok so I found the help button:


“You want a physicist to speak at your funeral. You want the physicist to talk to your grieving family about the conservation of energy, so they will understand that your energy has not died. You want the physicist to remind your sobbing mother about the first law of thermodynamics; that no energy gets created in the universe, and none is destroyed. You want your mother to know that all your energy, every vibration, every Btu of heat, every wave of every particle that was her beloved child remains with her in this world. You want the physicist to tell your weeping father that amid energies of the cosmos, you gave as good as you got.

And at one point you’d hope that the physicist would step down from the pulpit and walk to your brokenhearted spouse there in the pew and tell him that all the photons that ever bounced off your face, all the particles whose paths were interrupted by your smile, by the touch of your hair, hundreds of trillions of particles, have raced off like children, their ways forever changed by you. And as your widow rocks in the arms of a loving family, may the physicist let her know that all the photons that bounced from you were gathered in the particle detectors that are her eyes, that those photons created within her constellations of electromagnetically charged neurons whose energy will go on forever.

And the physicist will remind the congregation of how much of all our energy is given off as heat. There may be a few fanning themselves with their programs as he says it. And he will tell them that the warmth that flowed through you in life is still here, still part of all that we are, even as we who mourn continue the heat of our own lives.

And you’ll want the physicist to explain to those who loved you that they need not have faith; indeed, they should not have faith. Let them know that they can measure, that scientists have measured precisely the conservation of energy and found it accurate, verifiable and consistent across space and time. You can hope your family will examine the evidence and satisfy themselves that the science is sound and that they’ll be comforted to know your energy’s still around. According to the law of the conservation of energy, not a bit of you is gone; you’re just less orderly.

Amen."

- Aaron Freeman



Major rage of the last week: being unable to use the shower for 2 days as the hot water was gone. This is my drama and I kept it in my head because IT DOESNT MATTER THAT FUCKING MUCH. Selfcontrol. The only thing I seem to be able to use it on recently lol. The important things in life, showers!

Everytime more drama comes along I sigh, console and move the fuck away. I am there as a friend but really now. Enough is enough. yes forgiveness is so far out of the realms of possibility but must everyone continue to make eachothers lives a fucking living hell. To stoke the fires of drama over and over. These are people I call or called friends....mind blowing. Not only that people just get dragged in against their will and I see the inevitablity of it all. Which means I want everyone to simultaneously STOP. Be fucking happy everyone, be fucking happy while you still have the ability to be, while you still can be, while you have eachother share that happiness with eachother. And maybe, just maybe some of that will rub off on less happy people and eventually the world will become one fluffy, gay ball of happy. Drama llama free.

I actually think of the people involved and I am shocked but not surprised. I have been friends with incredibly intelligent, fierce & feisty people. People I had stupid times with, people I have cried with, people I have debated with and argued with. Some I am not friends with now, some I am. But I still can't stand to see people lose themselves. To see them become what they are not and what they should not be. Hold on to yourself and hold on to those you love. Don't lose them, don't lose yourself.

A legacy of sorts if you will.
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