Louisa (candyflossb) wrote,


So I thought I should write this here so I would remember. Things have got better. I'm dealing with my dads death alot better now, I think I totally lost it there for a while. Well I know I did. Totally lost it in an amazingly insane way.
I just got back from Canada (work trip) and it was amazing. I felt so much better being away, even the air felt fresher. I just filled my lungs with that shit. Filled it right up.

The dreams didn't stop when I was there though & Niagra in the morning just filled me with a weird sense of longing. Which then didnt go away. Longing for what I'm not sure though. I think if the opportunity to move to Canada to be with the Canadian office opens up I'll take it. 2 years away will clear my head (and my heart).

In terms of my heart I'm still where I was. The love hasn't stopped or even lessened which is fucking rubbish. I literally can't look at anyone else in that way and at this point, on a purely physical level, I'm missing sex. Even writing the word makes me sigh. I want to be one of those people who sex doesn't mean much to. BAH, I WANT TO BE A SLUT. Well no, not really. I think what I'm missing is that physical contact with someone else with the feeling behind it. I guess it's not even just the sex, it's the contact and what it means. God, I come on here and I do blabber on.

In other news one of my friends is being way to much for me. I was told he liked me and I'm fine with that. I've taken the 101 class on not being able to control who you fall for. And it will never be reciprocated by me however I value that friendship and my take on it is, if it doesn't affect the friendship then there's no problem. However it's beginning to affect me in terms of it's just too much. Wanting to do things constantly, I get interrogated about everything, constant assumptions being made, personal boundaries being crossed, being criticised for not being the most forthcoming (ie not telling this person every little detail) and have to deal with tantrums when I dont discuss every part of my life. The worst part is the slagging off of the one person I want to be around and can't. And the gloating contempt he displays about that person. It's not what I want to hear and the reasons behind it are not cool too. Despite what has happened I stand by saying that the person I love is one of the nicest people you will ever meet, despite what has happened and despite how things played out. Saying bad shit about someone for no other reason than they have and could have if they so chose something you want, not cool. It has led to arguments and more hissy fits. It is an annoying vicious circle which I just choose to ignore. Throw your toys out of the pram? Fine, go for it. I wont be picking up your toys anytime soon though. But as I said, I value the friendship so I will put up with it.

Looking forward to getting back to work tomorrow. I've missed the office which is weird. I think I've become so involved in my work recently to block out other things it's becoming a minor obsession. The only part I dislike about work is having to get up for it and the annoying guy who is so childish & when ever he gets drunk on work nights out, he just stands there drunk and glares at me. As in, stands in the middle of the dance floor and just full on glares while Im dancing around to music I hate (e.g Gangnam style) in a place I would never go to (e.g tiger tiger).
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